The Lord of the Rings Picture Show
by Boadicia
Summary: What do you get when you cross The Lord of the Rings with The Rocky Horror Picture Show? Total and unforgivable nonsense.
1. After the Wedding

After the Wedding

Long, long ago in a movie theater far, far away, an usher named Frodo was sweeping a hopelessly filthy floor. After nearly an hour of wrestling with a piece of chewing gum stuck to his shoe, which helped make the floor even filthier as he walked over it, he threw the broom to the side and sat down. The seat he chose, unfortunately, had another wad of gum stuck to it. Cursing, he stood and pulled most of it off his pants. To his surprise, as he proceeded to unglue it from his fingers, a song began to play in the theater.

_Michael Rennie was ill the day the Earth stood still_

_But he told us where we stand_

_And Flash Gordon was there in silver underwear_

_Claude Rains was the Invisible Man_

Frodo turned towards the movie screen and saw two large red lips singing against a black background. Overcome with a combination of horror and awe, Frodo sat back in the dirty seat. He watched a movie unfold before him.

_Then something went wrong for Fay Wray and King Kong_

_They got caught in a celluloid jam_

_Blah blah blah_

_Let's get on with the show_

Then the movie began. Church bells rang loudly for no one in particular. The doors opened to let the mob called a wedding party out and down the stairs. They lined up and threw leaves as the bride Galadriel and the groom Celeborn made their way downstairs. The minister Glorfindel grabbed Celeborn with a big handshake while Celeborn slipped him a hundred dollar bill. The sudden movement caused Galadriel to lose her balance and tumble down the rest of the stairs. The wedding mob stood in embarrassed silence at the sound of bones and other vital things popping as she rolled to the ground. Startled, Celeborn grabbed her arm to pull her to her feet. She was a total white mess. Everyone winced as Galadriel snapped her left arm back into its socket.

A young looking man, who was actually a lot older than he looked, grabbed Celeborn from the other side as the mob resumed throwing leaves on top of Galadriel. "I can't believe you actually let her talk you into this," Aragorn said.

"I sort of kind of had no choice," Celeborn said. "She's been guilt tripping me just because we already have a kid together."

"And a grandchild," Aragorn added. "Don't forget about her."

Celeborn tugged on the end of his pointed ears. "I just don't want anymore baby momma drama. Those child support payments were killing me."

Galadriel ran a short distance away when the mob finally ran out of leaves so she could throw the bouquet over her shoulder. It bounced off the head of Arwen, a beautiful she-Elf, who was also a lot older than she looked. She was also Galadriel and Celeborn's granddaughter. She picked up the bouquet before realizing what she'd done. Then she dropped it and backed away screaming.

"Oh, hell," Galadriel said. "It counts!" she called to Arwen. "Just don't let him knock you up first!"

"But Grandma! I don't want to get married!"

"Oh shut-up you crybaby!" Galadriel hiked her dress up and marched away.

Celeborn patted Aragorn on the shoulder. "You poor bastard," was all Celeborn said before marching after Galadriel. They hopped into an SUV with the words "Help Me! I'm Being Kidnapped!" scribbled in the dirt across the back in Celeborn's handwriting.

Arwen turned to reenter the church. Aragorn followed her inside. "The poor bastard," he heard her say.

"What was that?"

Arwen stopped to look at him. "I said the poor bastard."

"Which one?"

"Does it matter?" Arwen sat in the nearest seat. "I supose it was a nice ceremony, though."

"Do you think you'll ever get married?"

Arwen gave him a disapproving look. "By the Valar, no! Men are too much trouble! All they want is my body."

"What body?"

Arwen jumped to her feet. "What are you saying? Am I not good enough?"

Aragorn thought for a minute. "I probably shouldn't answer that."

"There are only two possible ways to answer that question. Do you see the word 'retard' written on my forehead? Be a man for once in your life and answer the damn question!"

Aragorn thought long and hard about that. I need to distract her, he thought. He said the first words that popped into his head. "Let's get married." Arwen screamed again and ran out of the church. "Wait!" Aragorn called after her. "It's not like that! I swear!"

(X)

In a lonely study in a lonely mansion, Gandalf the Grey stood from his chair, which was a lot older than it appeared to be. "I would like," he said to the screen, "to take you on a journey."

In the audience, Frodo pointed to himself. "Who? Me?"

Gandalf put his hands onto his hips. "Who the hell else do you think I'm talking to! Tool of a Fook! I mean Fool of a Took!"

"Um, that's not me. I'm Frodo."

"Huh?" Gandalf asked. "Oh, uh, well in that case, yes, I'm talking to you." Gandalf approached an old bookcase, which did look its age, and grabbed a scroll from the top. He returned to his old chair and unrolled the scroll. He cleared his throat before reading. "It seemed a fairly ordinary night when Aragorn, son of Arathorn, also known as Dúnadan, Strider, Wingfoot, Estel, Elfstone, and Elessar, and his girlfriend Arwen Undómiel left Minas Tirith that night in Aragorn's Honda Accord, which he named Hidalgo. I think they were coming to see me or something. Anyway, it is true that it was a dark and stormy night. It's also true that their spare tire needed its own spare tire. But, being the total idiots that they are, they weren't going to let that ruin their night. Figures."

(X)

Aragorn leaned over the steering wheel in a vain attempt to see anything. The rain left absolutely no visibility. Arwen was stuffing her face with lembas while bopping to the heavy metal version of "Namárie". "Sí man i yulma nin enquantuva, be-otch?" she sang out loud. The sound of a raging Nazgûl on a motorcycle grew louder behind them. As the motorcycle sped past them, the Nazgûl knocked off the side mirror.

"Hidalgo!" Aragorn cried out. "Nooooooo!" He hit the accelerator and ran down the motorcycle. He rammed into the back of it, causing the Nazgûl to fly against the windshield. Aragorn continued plowing ahead long after the screeching Nazgûl landed in the middle of the street.

"I'll get you!" the Nazgûl screamed as Hildago receded down the street, "and your stupid she-Elf too!"

Farther down the road, Aragorn lost control of Hidalgo. After turning and skidding several feet, the car ran straight into a tree. A lightning bolt struck the tree, causing a broken branch to fall on top of Hidalgo. "Hidalgo!" Aragorn cried out again. "Nooooooo!"

"Oh will you shut-up!" Arwen said.

Grimacing, Aragorn turned off the engine. "I guess we have to walk back. There was a huge castle a ways back. Maybe they have a phone or something we can use."

"But, my hair," Arwen moaned. "It'll get wet!"

"Get over it," Aragorn said. "It's probably a weave anyway."


	2. It's a Party!

It's a Party!

Aragorn and Arwen ran miserably through the rain back towards the castle. They saw several more Nazgûl on motorcycles approaching them before turning to the side. "Look," Arwen said while pointing. "It's a hidden road. Move your ass Estel." Aragorn followed Arwen up the road towards the castle that waited at the top of the hill. On the front door hung a cardboard sign with words written in crayon: Elrond, the Peredhil. Aragorn rung the doorbell, which made the sound of a long lingering belch.

The door slowly opened. A hunchbacked Silvan Elf poked his head out. "You belched?"

"Uh, yeah," Aragorn said. "Our car had a little accident, and we need to call for help."

"Hey, you're the guy who ran down Bob, aren't you?"

"Bob?"

"The Nazgûl."

"No?"

"Oh, well in that case, come on." The Elf led them down a staircase. Party music from below began to throb through the stone.

"Where the hell are we?" Arwen whispered.

"It's probably some asylum for stewards of Gondor. You know they're not screwed too tightly in the head."

The Elf led them down a hallway where another Silvan Elf was vacuuming. The second Elf stopped to look at the first one. "Haldir," the second one said, "why the hell are you wearing that fake hump?"

Haldir stood up straight. "Bitch," he muttered as he unstrapped the hump.

"What was that?" the second Elf asked threateningly.

"Nothing, Legolas," Haldir said. "Give yourself a hickey or something." Haldir continued leading Aragorn and Arwen down the hallway. Legolas lifted the nozzle of the vacuum and looked at it thoughtfully. Then he glanced up and down the hallway before removing the attachment and pressing the nozzle against his neck.

(X)

"Wait a minute!" Frodo yelled at the screen. "Legolas giving himself a hickey? What kind of sicko wrote this thing?"

Gandalf scowled. "Do you want to finish hearing the story or not?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"Not really, no."

(X)

"Are you throwing a party?" Arwen asked.

"Yeah," Haldir said over the screams of Legolas in the background. "You came on a special night."

"Lucky us," Aragorn said.

The screams in the background reached an unbearable crescendo before coming to a sudden halt, followed by Legolas yelling, "Thank the Valar!" Then he ran down the hallway to join the group. Haldir muffled a snicker as he looked at the huge bruise on Legolas's neck.

"Lucky us," Aragorn repeated expectantly.

"Yeah, whatever," Legolas said on cue. "I'm lucky! You're lucky! We're all lucky! Except Haldir."

Haldir flashed Legolas his middle finger as he began to sing:

_It's astounding, time is fleeting_

_Madness takes its toll but listen closely_

_Not for very much longer, I've got to keep control_

Haldir puts his hands onto his hips and began swinging them to and fro.

_I remember the Time Warp_

_Drinking those moments when the blackness would hit me_

_And the void would be calling_

Legolas fell back against the wall and began moaning in pleasure. Arwen and Aragorn were glad he was behind them so they wouldn't have to see it. Haldir opened a large pair of doors and led them onto a balcony overlooking a large ballroom. Numerous Elves, Men, Dwarves, and Nazgûl were doing a perverted dance in the middle of the room. When they saw Haldir, they all raised their arms towards him and sang in an out of key chorus:

_Let's do the Time Warp again!_

Arwen fainted into Aragorn's arms. He pushed her away and slapped her. She stood at attention. The people below sang out:

_Let's do the Time Warp again!_

Aragorn stepped forward just as Arwen fainted again. She hit the floor with a loud thud. Suddenly returned to her senses, she jumped to her feet.

(X)

Gandalf stood and pulled out a chart. It appeared to have complicated dance steps marked out on it. Gandalf put his hands onto his hips. "It's just a jump to the left." Frodo shook his head in disbelief. "I said it's just a jump to the left!"

Frodo jumped out of his seat into the walkway. He began mimicking Gandalf's movements on the movie screen.

(X)

The party guests all hopped to the left singing:

_And a step to the right right right right right_

(X)

Gandalf pointed to the next step on the chart. "With your hand on your hips."

(X)

The party guests put their hands onto their hips.

_You bring your knees in tight_

_But it's the pelvic thrusts_

_They really drive you insane_

_Let's do the Time Warp again_

_Let's do the Time Warp again_

Aragorn and Arwen decided they had seen enough. They both turned and ran through the double doors. Legolas was blocking their way as he began to sing:

_It's so dreamy, oh fantasy free me_

_So you can't see me, no not at all_

_In another dimension, with voyeuristic intention_

_Well secluded I see all_

_With a bit of a mind flip, you're into the time slip_

_Nothing will ever seem the same_

Arwen and Aragorn ran back out onto the balcony over the ballroom. The people below continued their singing and dancing. Legolas approached them from behind. They all ran down the walkway from the balcony to the ballroom below. Legolas followed them down, singing the whole time.

_You're spaced out on sensation_

_Like you're under sedation_

_Let's do the Time Warp again_

_Let's do the Time Warp again_

At that moment, a man wearing a helm with a horse tail hanging from the top began spinning and tapdancing into the ballroom. He wore a glittery top and shorts that were definitely too tight. "Hey," Arwen said in Aragorn's ear, "is that Éomer?"

"Yep, that would be him."

"I won't tell Théoden if you don't."

Éomer stopped in the middle of the ballroom and struck a pose. He opened his mouth to sing his part, but a loud window shattering belch was all that came out. The music stopped and the party guests covered their ears. Éomer covered his mouth and ran into the crowd to hide.

"Oh great," Legolas pouted. "Thanks a lot, Éomer!"

Haldir shook his head. "I told Elrond to be rid of him."

(X)

On the movie screen, Gandalf groaned with disappointment. "Never mind," he said to Frodo. Gandalf sat in his chair and opened up the scroll.

"It's about time," Frodo mumbled as he returned to his gum covered seat.

(X)

The party guests all began to sulk because Éomer had ruined the mood. Arwen and Aragorn began to back away slowly. "I think we better get the hell out of here," Aragorn said.

"I'm with you on that." They turned to leave. Much to their dismay, an elevator they had not noticed before began to ascend. A tall figure in a long white robe rose before him. He wore black shades and had long black hair and pointed ears. He wore a tiara that was uncannily familiar to Arwen.

"What the hell?" Arwen and Aragorn asked at the same time.


	3. Meet the Peredhil

Meet the Peredhil

The Elf before them opened the elevator screen and stepped down. He looked at Arwen for a prolonged moment before turning his gaze to Aragorn. "Welcome to Rivendale, Mr. Anderson."

Aragorn looked confused. "Who?"

The Elf took off his shades. "Sorry. Wrong movie."

Arwen gasped. "Daddy?"

At the same time, Aragorn gasped. "Elrond!"

"Daddy," Arwen screached, "how could you! And you're wearing my tiara, of all things!"

Elrond shrugged. "It looks better on me anyway." Arwen fainted for the third time. Aragorn caught her and slapped her again. She turned towards Elrond, who also slapped her.

"Ouch!" Arwen rubbed her stinging cheeks. "Will you stop that!"

"You'll have to forgive Haldir and Legolas," Elrond said. "They're a little screwy. We didn't expect outsiders to come by, especially on such a special night. How lucky."

"How lucky!" Haldir screamed.

"I'm lucky," Legolas added, "you're lucky, we're all lucky."

"We're all lucky!" the guests then added in unison.

"Except Haldir," Legolas added.

"Daddy, you look awful." Arwen held her hands up to defend against a slap that never came.

"Don't judge a book by its cover," Elrond commented as he walked to the other side of the ballroom. The party guests backed away to make room for him. "Why don't you both stay for the night?"

"Night," Haldir snickered.

"Or maybe a bite!" Legolas said.

"Come to my laboratory," Elrond offered. "I can show you my latest experiment. It's a man I've been building to release my tension."

"Tension?" Arwen asked with a shiver. "Does Mom know about this?"

"Come on. You know you want to. I can see you shiver with antici--"

"Wait for it!" Haldir called.

"--pation."

Haldir and Legolas approached Arwen and Legolas. In a single motion, Haldir and Legolas removed the wet clothes, leaving Aragorn and Arwen in their underwear. Upon realiziing they were half naked, they screamed and tried to cover themselves.

"On second thought," Elrond said, "give them something." The two Elves grabbed a pair of robes and threw them over the couple's shoulders. "Let's go," Elrond called. "We're off to the laboratory."

Haldir opened the doors to the elevator. Everyone rushed forward for a chance to get in. When everyone finally made it to the laboratory in several trips, Haldir looked at Legolas. "Let's take the stairs."

Everyone waited quietly in the laboratory below. Elrond put on a surgeon's apron and a pair of gloves as he waited for everyone to show up. Everyone stood in silence before a large tank with a man floating inside. Elrond turned to his servants. "Legolas, Éomer, go help Haldir." Haldir handed Elrond a glass of wine before running off with Legolas and Éomer. Elrond motioned for Aragorn and Arwen to come closer.

"You'll have to forgive us," he said. "We don't normally have people drop by here."

"All I want to do is use a phone to call for help," Aragorn said. "Let us go, and we won't tell anyone about this. We swear."

"I'll be too embarrassed to tell anyone," Arwen said. "You're my father for the Valar's sake."

"Just give us a phone!" Aragorn nearly yelled.

Elrond shivered. "Ooh, you give me goosebumps." Éomer and Legolas giggled in the background.

Haldir approached Elrond from behind. "Let's get this show on the road." Elrond downed his wine in a single gulp and threw the glass at Haldir as he strutted to the podium. Haldir fumbled the glass and dropped it. No one reacted to the glass shattering. Everyone kept their eyes on Elrond.

Elrond tapped the head of the microphone at the front of the laboratory. "Hey. Can you hear me?"

"Yes!" everyone yelled in unison.

"Oh, well tonight, my unconventional conventionists, you are about to witness something really neat."

Everyone in the room gasped. "It was strange the way it happened," Elrond said in a monotone. "See, what had happened was I was walking downtown one day, and passed by this giant dancing rabbit in the middle of the street. Everyone was screaming as this giant rabbit was dancing in the middle of the street, and it was spraying a stinking perfume that made hair grow on everything, then I saw a bus that was a vampire. A vampire bus full of mothmen. And then this giant pixel called a Mooninite gave me the finger, so I stepped on it. Then I saw a leprechaun dressed in orange."

"Daddy!" Arwen yelled.

Elrond snapped back to his senses. "Oh, right. Where was I?"

"You were about to finish the experiment," Haldir called.

"Oh yeah." Elrond ran to the tank. "Turn it on, or something."

Haldir rolled his eyes as he went to a control panel and began pressing a bunch of buttons in a seemingly random fashion. This continued for nearly five whole minutes before the figure inside the tank woke up. The man pounded against the glass until the lid broke. Then the figure pulled himself up to get his first breath of air.

"What the hell took you so long?" the man asked. "I could have drowned in there."

Elrond looked at the man with wide eyes. "Look everyone," he said. "I present to you, Boromir!"

Everyone clapped on cue. Arwen clapped halfheartedly. Aragorn shook his head. "Denethor's going to have a cow."

(X)

"Wait a minute!" Frodo called to the screen. "If Boromir is Denethor's son, how did Elrond create him?"

Gandalf sighed before taking a huge puff of Hobbit weed. "Have a joint or something. You're starting to get on my nerves."

"Good idea." Frodo pulled some Hobbit weed from his pocket and rolled it with a piece of paper. He lit the end and took a long deep puff. "Damn, that's good."

(X)

Boromir tried to pull himself out of the tank, which promptly fell over and spilled its contents over the floor. Everyone backed away in vain to keep their feet dry. Boromir attempted to stand, slipped, and stood again. Everyone turned their eyes towards Elrond, who looked a little less than pleased. Haldir, Legolas, and Éomer exchanged glances of confusion. Elrond shrugged. "Oh, what the hell? It's better than nothing."

Everyone's attention was broken by the sound of banging. They all turned towards a large meat locker in the back of the laboratory. Something inside was trying to break its way out. "Oh hell," Elrond said as the door finally fell to the floor. A Dwarf on a Harley Davidson rode into the laboratory. He had long red hair and large chunky braids in his beard. An unfortunate Nazgúl was crushed to death as the Dwarf rode out.

"Oh, Gimli!" Éomer screamed in delight.

"Stay cool, honey buns," Gimli said.

Arwen covered her eyes. "This is wrong on so many levels."

Haldir leaned close to Legolas. "It's the return of the delivery boy."

"His delivery wasn't good enough," Legolas added.

Éomer leapt onto the motorcycle behind Gimli as the Dwarf began to sing a rock song:

_Whatever happened to Saturday night when you dressed up short_

_And you felt all right_

_It don't seem the same since cosmic light_

_Came into my life and I thought I was divine_

_I used to go for a ride with a chick who'd go_

_And listen to the music on the radio_

_A saxophone was blowing on a rock and roll show_

_And we climbed in the back and we really had a good time_

Éomer jumped off the motorcycle and began dancing while Gimli began riding his motorcycle through the ballroom. Legolas and Haldir began dancing a little too closely to each other. Everyone else ran screaming in terror as Gimli plowed through them. Elrond scowled as another Nazgúl was crushed under the motorcycle.

_Hot patootie bless my soul_

_I really love that rock and roll_

While no one was looking, Elrond walked into what was left of the meat locker. He pushed the hanging hunks of beef aside until he found a nice large axe propped up in the corner. With a smirk, he grabbed the axe and stepped into the laboratory. Gimli parked the motorcycle as he continued singing the rock and roll chorus. Elrond casually ran up behind him and bashed his head in with the axe. Éomer screamed as Gimli's brains and blood flew in every direction. The room was filled with shocked silence as Elrond finished venting his rage on Gimli's head. Then he looked at the axe, shrugged, and tossed it over his shoulder.


	4. Attack of the Voyeurs

Attack of the Voyeurs

Legolas stared at Gimli's body in disgust as he and Haldir dragged it back into the meat locker. "I guess we'll be eating burgers for days."

"It's a good thing I'll be cooking then. We're not Orcs."

Elrond stood just outside the meat locker. He was wearing the black shades again. "Gimli was a virus. He was only a Dwarf. It is the sound of inevitability, Mr. Greenleaf."

Haldir glanced at Legolas. "He's in the wrong movie again."

Elrond waited for them to finish with Gimli's body before he turned back to Boromir. "What am I going to do with you?"

Haldir walked to the far wall and pressed a big red button. The wall creaked as it separated to reveal an elaborate bedroom. Elrond shrugged. "Why the hell not? I have nothing better to do." He grabbed a cattle prod from inside the bedroom and pressed it against Boromir's back. "Get in there! Now!"

Boromir shrieked as Elrond chased him into the bedroom. Haldir pressed the button again to seal the room off from the rest of the laboratory. Then he turned away with his hand over his mouth as he fought desperately not to throw up. Arwen and Aragorn exchanged glances and spoke at the same time. "Ewwwwwwwwww!"

(X)

In the theater, Frodo's mind was swimming from the Hobbit weed. People in the hallway were getting a contact high from the smell. "Wow."

"Frodo!" Gandalf called from the movie screen. "Are you listening to me?"

Frodo shook his head no. "Yes?"

"Frodo! Do not take me for a magician of simple parlor tricks!"

Frodo giggled. "You said trick. Pimping ain't easy!"

Gandalf sighed as he pulled out his own supply of Hobbit weed. "Anyway, there are some people who say that life is an illusion, and that reality is simply a figment of our imaginations. If this is true, than Aragorn and Arwen are safe. However, let's face it. They are so fucked. And no, Frodo. Pimping isn't easy."

(X)

"Is this really necessary?" Arwen asked as she and Aragorn were escorted to separate rooms. "I don't feel comfortable being out here alone. Does my daddy know about this?" She received no response as her host led her to a bedroom. He opened the door and simply motioned to her. She stepped inside and jumped when the door slammed behind her. She sat on her bed and pouted. "This sucks."

In another part of the castle, Haldir and Legolas turned on a monitor. Legolas flipped through the different channels until he found the one from Arwen's room. They watched her turn off her lamp and lie down. Haldir and Legolas snickered at each other.

In Arwen's room, there was a knock at the door. "Go away!" she yelled. There was another knock. "Leave me alone! Go away or I'll knock your damn head off!"

"Arwen!" she heard Aragorn call. "Let me in!"

"Go away if you know what's good for you!" The door opened and Aragorn crept to her side. When he pinched her on the leg, she sat up and punched him right between the eyes.

"Dammit, Arwen!" the intruder yelled. Arwen squealed when she realized it was Elrond. "Was that necessary?"

"Daddy? What the hell are you doing in here?"

"Oh, uh," Elrond tripped over his own words as he tried to think of an excuse. Before he opened his mouth to give her the really great excuse he'd thought up, she punched him between the eyes again.

"Get the hell out!" She threw her pillows at him. When he didn't move, she reached for the lamp and bashed it across his head.

"All right!" Elrond conceded. "I'm leaving!"

At the monitor, Legolas and Haldir giggled uncontrollably as Haldir opened a bag of Jiffy Pop. "This is too good to be true. I'd kill for a Tivo."

Legolas stuck his hand into the popcorn. "Hey, is this regular or extra butter?"

"Extra."

Haldir switched the monitor to Aragorn's room. A shadowy figure approached Aragorn on the bed. "Estel?" it said in Arwen's voice. "We need to get out of here."

Aragorn took the figure's hand. "We will, but can I at least get some sleep?"

"Okay, but can we have some fun first?"

"Whatever." Aragorn turned on the lamp. When he realized he'd been talking to Elrond instead of Arwen, he shrieked like a school girl and backed away.

"Oh, damn!" Elrond cursed. "Don't throw anything." In response, Aragorn punched Elrond right between the eyes. "All right!" Elrond exclaimed. "Once is enough!"

At the monitor, Legolas and Haldir were in an uncontrollable fit of laughter. The sound awoke Boromir in the bedroom. "Should we let him go?" Legolas asked before stuffing his mouth with more popcorn.

"Naw. He'll just screw everything up like he always does."

"Well, can I release the dogs anyway?"

"Knock yourself out."

"Yeah!" Legolas clapped his hands as he ran off to set the rottweillers loose.

(X)

In the theater, Frodo and Gandalf were both redfaced and giggling like total idiots.

(X)

Arwen decided to get some air. She opened the door, looked to make sure no one was watching, then crept down the hallway. She easily found her way into the laboratory. All she had to do was follow the screams. When she got there, she realized the screams were from Boromir as he was being mauled by three large rottweillers.

"Daro!" she ordered the dogs. "Get off of him this instant!" The dogs stopped when they heard her speak in Sindarin. She barked once at them; they ran away whining. Arwen approached Boromir and found him chained to the bed. Her face showed pity until she saw the candlelabra next to the bed. Then she smiled as she got an idea.

"Whee!" She snatched one of the candles and held it over Boromir. The laboratory was filled with more screaming as she poured hot wax over him.

At the same time, Legolas had joined Éomer in his room. Éomer was staring excitedly at the monitor. "What are you watching?" Legolas asked.

"Arwen is torturing Boromir! You have to see this!"

"No thanks. I've seen enough."

"Killjoy. Where is Haldir?"

"I don't know."

Haldir, as Legolas well knew, was in the laboratory watching Arwen pour hot wax onto Boromir. "Who's the real king of Gondor?" Arwen asked.

"Gondor has no king!" Boromir answered.

Arwen shook her head. "Wrong answer." He screeched as she spilled more wax.

Haldir chuckled as he discreetly watched the spectacle. He stopped suddenly when he felt a tap on his shoulder. He nervously looked around to see Elrond and Aragorn standing there. "Where is my daughter?" Elrond asked.

"Right in front of you." Haldir pointed to the exposed bedroom. As they passed him, Haldir caught a glimpse of someone in the monitor. It was an old man in a wheelchair. Haldir nearly choked when he realized whom it was. "Éomer is in trouble now. Elrond! We have a visitor!"

"Who?"

"Théoden!"

"Oh crud. Let him in."

"If you say so." Haldir walked to a giant switch marked Key for Old People. When he flipped it, Théoden's wheelchair took a life of its own. It zipped through the castle at a comical superspeed until it reached the laboratory. Haldir released the switch.

"It's nice to see you again," Elrond said.

"Actually," Théoden said, "this is the first time we've met."

"Oh. What do you want?"

"I'm looking for Gimli."

"Gimli?" Elrond gave him a questioning look. "Don't you mean Éomer?"

"I could, but that would ruin the story."

"Ai."

The conversation was interrupted by a loud gong. Legolas stepped into the laboratory with a large spoon in his hand. "Come and get it."

"Come and get what?"

Legolas narrowed his eyes. "The food. Dinner's ready."

(X)

In the theater, Gandalf raised his finger. "What's wrong?" Frodo said after three tries to get the words out.

"I haf somfing to shay," Gandalf slobbed, "but I can't rememfer whash it wash." He stood and promptly fell over. Frodo fell into a breathless guffaw.

(X)

Elrond, Arwen, Aragorn, Théoden, and Boromir went to the dining room. Éomer was already there waiting for them. Haldir and Legolas entered soon afterwards carrying a large roast and a bottle of wine. Haldir dropped the roast onto the table in front of Elrond. Legolas gave Haldir a disapproving look as he filled the wine glasses. Then they both backed away from the table.

Elrond sighed. "Let's get this over with. I'm hungrier than Starvin' Marvin the Ethiopian." He whipped out a large sword and began cutting the roast with it.

"Hey," Aragorn said. "That's Narsil! That's mine!"

"Oh shut-up be-otch." Elrond finished cutting the meat and served it out to everyone. Then he tossed the sword over his shoulder. It landed dangerously close to Haldir's foot.

Théoden cleared his throat. "I'm here to talk about Gimli."

"Gimli?" Éomer said. "What about me? I'm your sister-son."

Elrond put on his shades and leaned to the side. "Gimli was a virus."

"What?" everyone said at once.

"I mean, it's a tender subject. Anyone want another slice?"

Everyone looked down at their plates. Images of Elrond slaughtering the little Dwarf raced through their minds. "You psycho!" Éomer stood and ran out of the dining room crying.

Aragorn pushed his chair from the table. "All of a sudden, I'm not hungry. I could go for a squirrel though."

Théoden shook his head. "The last time I heard from Gimli, he'd sent me a note several years ago."

"A note," Elrond said. "What did it say?"

Théoden searched through his pockets until he found the note. He opened it to read in front of everyone. "No one tosses a Dwarf."

Elrond stood. "That won't be a problem." He grabbed the tablecloth and pulled it back. Everyone realized they had been using a coffin with a glass top for a table. Gimli was lying inside. Legolas and Haldir broke into laughter. Arwen stood and ran screaming from the room as Éomer had done earlier. She was followed by Aragorn and Théoden. Elrond motioned to Haldir to take care of them.

Legolas placed his hands onto Haldir's shoulders. Then they skipped back down to the laboratory while singing Pop Goes the Weasel. Haldir flipped the Key for Old People again. Théoden's wheelchair sped down the hallways again. He rammed into Aragorn and Arwen on the way. All three of them were pulled down into the laboratory. An invisible force left them all stuck to each other in the wheelchair.

"This sucks," Arwen said.

Elrond joined them all downstairs in the laboratory. "I know!" he said. "Let's play a game!"

Éomer stomped into the laboratory. "Stop!" Everyone turned to look at him. "It's not fair!"

"Excuse me?" Elrond demanded.

"Well, why can't I get any attention. I'm Théoden's sister-son, for crying out loud. Why didn't he come for me?"

Elrond pointed at Éomer. "For being such a crybaby, I banish you from this castle for all eternity on the pain of death."

"What?" Éomer stomped his foot. "Damn. Not again." He slouched over as he walked out of the laboratory. "I never get a break."

"I'm the one who never gets a break," Elrond moaned. "Even smiling hurts my face. He's such a virus."

Legolas and Haldir rolled their eyes. Elrond pulled another switch. The wheelchair and all its screaming occupants fell through a trapdoor. Nonchalant, Elrond stretched out over an operating table. Legolas and Haldir began to massage him. "When can we get back to Ennor?" Legolas asked. "I'm sick of this place. I miss Mirkwood."

"And I miss Lothlórien," Haldir added. "Especially since Galadriel finally convinced Celeborn to marry her."

"It's nice to have someone be grateful. Behave, and you will go home." Legolas held his hands over Elrond's neck and moved them as if to choke Elrond. Haldir shook his head. Elrond unexpectedly sat up. "I have an idea. I'm feeling pretty."

Legolas and Haldir watched Elrond leave. When they were sure it was safe, they crept out through a hole in the wall.

(X)

In the theater, Frodo was stuffing his face with items he stole from the concession stand. "Man, I got the munchies like hell." On the screen, Gandalf was stretched across his desk. He was snoring.

(X)

Arwen, Aragorn, Boromir, and Théoden were strapped down to chairs. From what they could tell, they were on a stage in a show room of some sort. "I knew it," Arwen said. "None of this would have ever happened if you'd taken that left instead of the right."

"Give it a rest!" Aragorn said. "If you hated it so much, then next time you can drive!"

"Ahem!" Elrond called across the showroom. "Doesn't anybody want to look at me?"

Everyone took one look at him before cringing in terror. "My eyes!" Arwen screamed. "It burns! It burns!"

Elrond, dressed in lingerie, strutted towards them. "Stop exaggerating. Let's play a game. How about Twister?"

"Please don't," Aragorn begged.

"Don't insult me," Elrond said. "I'm a superstar!" Upon saying the last word, he dropped to one knee and held his arms up.

Aragorn leaned towards Arwen as far as he could. "At least he's not a drag queen on a bus named Priscilla."

There was a faint sound of clanging metal. Elrond stood and turned towards to door. Legolas and Haldir were standing there. Haldir was dressed in elaborate Elvish armor with a dark cloak hanging from his shoulders. Legolas was dressed in a French maid uniform, complete with fishnets and high heels. Both had Elvish bows with the arrows pointed at the stage.

"Mental note," Legolas said. "Feathers tickle."


	5. A Bottle of Rum

A Bottle of Rum

Haldir and Legolas pointed their arrows for Elrond's head. "Make your plea," Haldir demanded.

"No! Wait!" Arwen called from the stage. "Don't kill my father!" She bounced up and down in her chair as she tried to drag herself to the edge of the stage.

"Are you sure you want to admit that?" Haldir asked. Before Arwen could respond, there was a deep noise from outside. Haldir lowered his bow. "That's an Orc horn!"

The suddenness of Haldir's declaration, combined with his nose being tickled by the feather on his arrow, caused Legolas to sneeze and release the arrow accidentally. It flew pass Arwen's head. She looked at Elrond and shrugged, which wasn't easy given she was bound to the chair. "You're on your own."

The Orc horn blew again from outside. Haldir stomped his foot. "Of all days!" He forgot Elrond for the moment and ran out of the room. Legolas looked between Haldir and Elrond as if trying to make a decision. He finally opted to run after Haldir.

When both Silvan Elves were gone, Aragorn leaned forward. "Elrond, do you think you could let us go? Just this once?"

"But what about our game of Twister?"

"Oh, for Valar's sake, Father!" Arwen screamed. "There are Orcs out there! I don't want to die with the last image I ever see being my father in women's underwear!"

"Do I have to?"

"Yes!" everyone demanded at the same time. Pouting, Elrond untied each person one at a time. They all ran off without so much as a thank you.

(X)

Frodo leaned over the toilet as everything he'd just eaten rushed back up his throat. He wiped his mouth at the sink and washed his hands before dragging himself back to the theater. Gandalf was still asleep onscreen.

"Gandalf," Frodo said. When the wizard didn't move, Frodo yelled at the screen. "Gaaaaaandaaaaaaalf!" When he ran out of breath, he fell over and fell asleep again.

"Wha wha!" Gandalf said as he sat up. When he saw that Frodo had fallen asleep again, he dropped his head back onto his desk.

(X)

Haldir emerged from a door leading to the roof of the castle. He leaned over the edge. Rather than an army of Orcs as Haldir had expected, there was a single Man standing on the ground. In one hand he held the horn, and in the other was a glass bottle.

"Ahoy there!" the Man said.

"Who the hell are you!" Haldir called back.

"If I tell you, will you let me in!"

Legolas appeared at Haldir's side. "Where's the army?"

The Man took one look at Legolas. "Do I know you?"

"I hope not," Legolas said to himself. "Who the hell are you!"

"That's what the other blond said!"

"Then answer the damn question!"

The Man took a swig from the bottle. "Well, will you answer my question if I answer yours!"

"Fine!" Haldir called. "What is it!"

"What is the flight speed velocity of an unladen swallow!"

"Huh?" Haldir and Legolas exchanged glances. Haldir leaned over the side. "What the hell do you want to know that for! You interrupted us just to ask that stupid ass question!"

The Man held up the bottle. "Would you like some rum instead!"

Haldir perked up. "Yeah! I'll take that!"

"Savvy!'

Hearing the word "savvy" caused something to snap in Legolas's head. He held up his bow and aimed an arrow. "For Troooooooy!" The arrow sailed through the air and hit the stranger between the eyes.

"Troy?" Haldir asked.

Legolas looked his way. "Huh?"

"Who is Troy?"

"How the hell should I know?" Legolas turned and ran back into the castle. Haldir scratched his head and followed.

Down in the ballroom, Arwen and Aragorn were on their way trying to find an exit. Boromir and Théoden were lagging behind. Arwen and Aragorn had no intention of waiting for them. Before they could make it up the walkway to the balcony, an arrow hit the floor ahead of them. They turned to see Legolas and Haldir running up behind them.

"Don't be in such a hurry to leave," Legolas said. "Don't you want to at least say goodbye?"

Aragorn stood in front of Arwen. "No thanks. We're just not feeling lucky tonight."

"I'm not lucky," Legolas said. "You're not lucky. We're all not lucky. Especially Haldir."

"What about the Orcs?" Arwen asked.

"There are no Orcs," Haldir said. "It was just some idiot with a bottle of rum. I could sure go for a shot of rum, too."

"Well, in that case," Aragorn said, "we'll be on our way."

"That won't be necessary," Elrond said from the balcony. "Look what I found outside!" He held up a large bottle.

"The rum!" Haldir squealed. "He's saved the rum!"

Elrond descended from the balcony. "How about we forget everything that's happened long enough to empty this bottle?"

The four huddled around each other to discuss the matter. Then they stood at the same time and answered, "Yes!"

They all gathered around for a swig. Aragorn and Arwen carefully backed away as the others took turns downing the rum. When they were on the walkway to the balcony, they broke into a run. They didn't stop until they were outside and well down the road. Elrond, Legolas, and Haldir didn't notice as they took turns emptying the bottle of rum.

(X)

Frodo awoke with a start as someone tapped him on the shoulder. "I didn't do it!" He looked up and saw another usher standing over him. "What I do?"

"I think you'd better go home," the usher said. "There's a good chance you'll get fired for this."

"What did I do?"

"You stole from the concession stand, and you were obviously smoking on the job. What were you thinking?"

"I was talking to Gandalf." Frodo pointed to the screen. All that was there were blank light and burnt celluloid. "Where did he go?"

"All right, Frodo." The usher seized Frodo by the arm and pulled him up. "You'd better go home if you intend to keep this job." He dragged Frodo outside and practically dumped him onto the sidewalk.

Frodo covered his face as the sunlight burned his eyes. When they'd finally adjusted, he looked up and strutted down the street. A song ran through his head as he whistled his way back to Hobbiton.

_Let's do the Time Warp again!_


End file.
